Television
Television Story Telling
Described by some as the new form of book, television is only now beginning to cement itself as the leading storytelling medium.
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Programmes
Neighbours (BBC One)
Deal or No Deal (Channel 4)
Dragon's Den (BBC Two)
University Challenge (BBC Two)
Extract from the popular quiz based impossibility.
As usual, Newsnight’s Jeremy “come on!” Paxman is in the chair, as underdogs David University battle it out against Goliath College, Cambridge.
Paxman: Good evening and welcome to another first qualifying round edition of University Challenge. Tonight we’re joined by last year’s winners Goliath College, Cambridge, and their cannon fodder for this evening is the former polytechnic, David University. Good evening chaps.
GCC: [simultaneously] Evening Jeremy.
DU: Paxey.
Paxman: Yes [rolls eyes]. Ok, well lets get on with it then. First starter question; fingers on buzzers. …
DU: Is it….
Paxman: I haven’t asked the question yet! OK, starter question, in thermo-nuclear physics, which radioactive isotope was said by its discoverer in 1972 to be “duo-hydro-mechano-carbonate”?
GCC: [Buzzes instantly] Strontium-127!
Paxman: No. David, any ideas?
DU2: Um. Strontium one hundred and twenty … eight?
Paxman: Is correct! Good guess David!
DU2: Alan.
Paxman: Yes [Looks over nervously at camera 2]. OK, your bonus questions are on bimolecular fusion. What is the name of the force that binds elemental matter according to the bimolecular theory of juxtaposition of an inert gas with its composite atomic configuration?
DU: [whispering between each other]
DU1: Oh err…
DU3: Quail? Is it? It has something to do with quail.
DU2: Is it William Shakespeare? No, Wordsworth?
DU1: No is it? No.
DU2: I’m…I dunno. Not sure. It’s a fucking ridiculous question. They all are!
Producer: Cut! Sorry, cut! We could hear swearing there while they were conferring.
Paxman: Oh God. [Shakes head] OK, let’s go again. [Looks at Camera 1]. David, your bonus questions for ten points. What is…
DU2: [Screeching] SHAKESPEARE!
Paxman: Are you on this show for a bet?
DU2: [Confers with team members who all look away]. Not exactly. Although I have been drinking!
Paxman: [Looks menacing] OK, lets abandon this, it’s happening again, we really do need to screen our teams better, or better still only allow Oxbridge teams. Otherwise you can get someone else to do this show. Des Lynam or Chris Tarrant or some such yob.
Producer: We won’t be able to use any of this.
[Fades out with David University contestants arguing obscenely amongst themselves]
The Dragons are in for a surprise when a contestant turns up at the Den with an unusual looking contraption.
Extract from the next series of the popular idea-bashing television formality.
Voiceover Guy: David Scumm hoped to impress the Dragons with a new device which he claims can transport objects from one place to another, but straight away his nerves began to get the better of him.
David Scumm: So here we have [pulls levers and fiddles with knob] my invention. As you can see, it’s not the finished product, more like a prototype. [scratches head]
Machine: KABOOM!
David Scumm: [Wrestles to stop acidic looking liquid from seeping from a gaping hole which has appeared in its hold] But the basic principle is. Well, it’s a teleporter. Camera shot of Theo Pathetis rolling his eyes, while Duncan Bannetine glares at David in an unconvinced manner.
David Scumm: This is a revolutionary machine, the technology of which mankind has fantasised about harnessing since the dawn of time. It has the potential to revolutionise every facet of our daily lives, from global travel in seconds to nipping home from your office meetings for a quick… shave. So, I welcome any questions you may have.
Voiceover Guy: David’s pitch was short and nervous, and already the Dragons are sceptical about the product.
Duncan Bannetine: It’s… an interesting product. Can we see it work?
David Scumm: Yes [wipes forehead]. Say I transfer this apple. From this end here to your table. If I just put this gizmo on your desk.
Richard Farley: That looks dangerous.
David Scumm: No! It’s quite safe. Watch. [pulls level]
Machine: Whizz! Whir! Gamgamagamagamgam. KABOOM!!! Bits of apple scatter all over the Den, all over the Dragons and on Deborah Meaden’s face.
Deborah Meaden: Ugh! It’s gone in my eye…I have apple in my eye! Members of the TV crew run to assist the Dragons, many of which are in distress.
David Scumm: OK, it doesn’t work with apples. But it works with people! Only last week I tried it with my son, and it worked perfectly, God rest his charred little soul.
Theo Pathesis: It’s a weapon of mass destruction!
David Scumm: Well, that’s not what it was supposed to be.
Deborah Meaden: I can’t invest in this product for the simple reason that I think it would kill its customers. Think of the law suits! I’m out.
Theo Pathesis: I agree, it’s mad, it’s Armageddon, I’m out.
Duncan Bannetine: And what are your projected revenues for this?
David Scumm: Eight….b…million? Eight million pounds over the next five years.
Duncan Bannetine: So if I invest, you can guarantee that kind of return on my investment?
David Scumm: Sure, why not.
Duncan Bannetine: OK, I’ll make you an offer. I will offer you the full £100,000. For 100% of the company.
David Scumm: I see. And is this figure negotiable?
Duncan Bannetine: I don’t negotiate with terrorists!
David Scumm: OK. Well, reluctantly, I accept. What choice do I have?
Duncan Bannetine: Great! When it comes to screwing over the folk who come on this show, I’m Dragon #1. Now get the hell away from MY time machine, dolt.
David Scumm: Teleporter.
Duncan Bannetine: Whatever.
Noel Edmond's resurrgent television career goes down the pan when he loses it in the last ever televised UK edition of the popular luck-based game show.
Extract from the last ever Deal or No Deal, Channel 4
Edmonds: Beryl, I have to ask you the question. Deal or no deal?
Contestant: Lucy, my name is Lucy.
Edmonds: Of course it is. Now Lucy, meal or no meal?
Contestant: Well, we’ve had a lovely day, and I think…meal? What do you mean, “meal”?
Edmonds: Yes, a lovely chicken dinner, with sprouts. Mmm yum yum. Tup tup.
Contestant: [long pause] I… don’t understand.
Edmonds: Don’t worry Beryl, we’re all here to help you through this, we’re all concentrating all that positive energy, trying to force that positive kinetic energy under your eyelids and into your brain.
Contestant: Err…what was the banker’s offer again?
Edmonds: Do you know, I have forgotten! I’d give him a buzz now. [Pauses] Does anyone know his number? [Silence] There he is now! (Edmonds picks up the phone despite it not ringing)
Edmonds: (to banker) I see. Uh-huh. Right. WHAT?! Yeah. Mmm. Ok.
Edmonds: Beryl, the banker is offering you £28 million pounds. That’s a substantial offer – and I’d like you to think about that. Take your time, you’re amongst friends here.
Contestant: (Wipes a bead of sweat from her brow) Why do you keep calling me Beryl?
Edmonds: Right, yeah, sorry…..
Contestant: ….Lucy! I just told you that, 30 seconds ago!
Edmonds: Deal or no deal, Beryl.
Contestant: Well deal, obviously.
Edmonds: What? No! No one ever accepts the banker’s deal! You can’t, it’s not dramatic enough. Actually, the banker didn’t say to offer you £28 million pounds. He said he’d offer you 28p.
Contestant: Look, Noel, I don’t really have time for this, and neither do your TV crew by the looks on their faces.
Edmonds: Ok, lets think positively! The banker says £28 million, ok, but you have to gamble that against the two amounts left, 1p or £100,000. Otherwise, it just doesn’t make for good TV, see. If you get the £100,000, we’ll give you the £28 million. OK?
Contestant: Ok, deal. I guess.
Edmonds: [dramatic pause]. Right, OK. Think carefully, which of the two background folk do you want to go for?
Contestant: I’ll go for Ian.
Edmonds: OK, Ian, please open your box.
Ian: Good luck Lucy, fingers crossed, I hope the million is in here.
Edmonds: What’s that in the box? It’s…ugh! It’s some dirty underpants. Uh, that’s horrible, look they’ve been fouled as well! [Holds up the pants to the camera]
Contestant: Did I win? Am I a millionaire?
Edmonds: [puts underpants on his head] Brr! Quark! Positive thinking!
After 240 years of on screen appearance, TV's Harold Bishop finally bows out of the show.
Episode 3,563,089, Scene 4: Int. – Bishop Family Home
S. Mangel: Grandad, what's happened to your head? It's swollen to twice its usual size.
Harold: You honestly don’t think I know that? Don’t just sit there gawping, phone the bastard ambulance.
S. Mangel: I’m trying, but your hand is clasped down on the phone receiver.
Harold: No it’s not, that bastard Stingray glued it down last night when I passed out drunk.
S. Mangel: Don’t worry Grandad, I’ll g…
Harold: (interrupts) Get Dr. Karl Kennedy! He’ll know what to do.
Dr K: Hello hello hello, what do we have here?
S. Mangel: Karl, thank God! It’s Grandad! His head has swollen up, and his hand is glued to the telephone.
Dr K: My God, it’s like nothing I’ve ever seen before.
S. Mangel: Can you help him? Oh God, his mouth is foaming all over the carpet.
Harold: Gnang! Fuzzzzzzzz.
S. Mangel: Grandad? No!
Dr K.: I just want to let you know that we’re all thinking of you right now. Me, Susan and the kids.
S. Mangel: Get off me.
[Scene ends]