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The Plight of the Game Show Host
Latest York manoeuvres spark renewed invasion fears
Queen Announces New London Borough
Factory jam causes profit warning at Spongegroup
Real RSPB Blamed For Terror Strikes at the Heart of Rural England
The Plight of the Game Show Host
With inventions such as YouTube rendering television obsolete, and with Noel Edmonds mercilessly sucking up the crumbs of what is left like some giant hen with a protracted Hoover for a beak, there is not much call nowadays for the traditional game show host. More and more, we are becoming used to seeing vaguely familiar bodies roaming the corridors of our workplaces as they get on with their new, civilian lives.
But it is not an easy adaptation process, and the road to normal living is proving to be a fraught and troublesome one. In offices up and down the country, frequent displays of bizarre and often dangerous behaviour from these former personalities are testimony to this. In a Carphone Warehouse outlet in Stoke-on-Trent, former game show host Chris Tarrant now plies his trade trying to hawk mobile phones for a living. Cited by the Government as one of the success stories to date, Tarrant has excelled in offering customers the same kind of chummy, friendly service that came to personify his role in the hit ITV series Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Nevertheless, the need for continued surveillance and support for Tarrant was found when he one day began writing cheques to customers for £32,000 in return for letting him use customer’s phones to “phone a friend”.
Just down the road on an industrial estate just outside Walsall is former Catchphrase presenter Roy Walker. Working in the accounts department for a major home loans company, Walker frequently jostles his co-workers, nudging them aggressively while trying in vein to get them guess what he’s trying to act out like some kind of demented game of charades. “Roy’s had a few problems settling in,” supervisor Mike Head, 48, admitted. “We try to do the best we can to help him fit in. But sometimes he just forgets where he is. Recently he nearly deafened a colleague when he shouted “Right!” into his ear from a distance of just a few inches.”
Head also suggested that Walker is prone to slip into his former persona seemingly involuntarily. “He’s getting better. One thing he still does a lot though is, when talking to clients on the phone, he has this propensity to use phrases like “…and it’s all courtesy of Catchphrase” or “it’s good but it’s not right”. Such lapses have cost the company in the past, as clients quickly tired of the repetitive nature of his often-persistent calling.
And Walker is not the only former game show host to have cost his new company money with such lapses. Family Fortunes’ front man Les Dennis, now working in a Nationwide building society, willingly handed over money to the value of £900,000 after telling a stunned customer “If it’s up there I’ll give you the money myself”. Though the money was eventually recovered, the customer drove away with a “star prize” Ford Focus, which Dennis had hotwired in a local car park shortly after handing over the funds.
Jim Bowen and fellow Bullseye stalwart referee Tony Green have displayed perhaps the most alarming demonstration of the problems associated with “mismanagement” of the reintroduction process referred to in certain sections of the media. Working as car mechanics, a customer was struck in the temple by a dart thrown by Bowen, claimed by a delirious Green “that’s the Bullseye!” Though the customer was not killed, he is understood to be recovering in an intensive care ward in London.
Many of these displaced showmen and women attend weekly rehabilitation training, described by insiders as being akin to that which former SAS soldiers receive when retiring from military duty. Heavily funded by the Government, these seminars are seen as essential to prevent the sort of short-term damage to business and the economy at large so far seen.
Without this critical agency support, it is clear that former game show hosts pose a very real threat to public safety in this country.
Latest York manoeuvres spark renewed invasion fears
Image: Duke York (Reuters)
A fresh build up of soldiers amongst the hills of northern Libertyville has provoked a widespread outcry from leaders and politicians across the region. At 8.34am, military radar picked up a gargantuan movement of personnel in the lowlands. It was later confirmed through a series of civilian reported sightings that the movement had taken place. One onlooker reported seeing figures amassed on top of the highest hill, while subsequent sightings purportedly saw personnel heading back down again.
Though official figures are yet to be released, it is estimated that the numbers of troops on the drill amounted to as much as ten thousand. Shocked locals awoke to the news fearing an attack was imminent. Moving to calm the situation, government officials reassured locals that they were doing all they could to prevent this by increasing the threat level to “Guaranteed,” the second highest level behind “Brown Trousers Time”
Duke York, who is currently thought to possess full control over the militants, had previously played down suggestions that a show of strength was imminent. Concerns that the Duke is rehearsing for a full-scale invasion of Libertyville are such to be exacerbated by York’s increasingly unpredictable behaviour. The news is likely to bolster the political campaign from many on the right who believe that a pre-emptive attack on the Duke’s forces may be the only way to adequately defend their homeland. Kansas Vorobei, government senator and chair of right-thinking think tank Yorkwatch suggested that “[a pre-emptive strike] is the only language the Duke speaks”.
Although harsh sanctions on the Duke and his band of followers have already been in action in recent times, there has already been calls for tightened austerity in future. Controls are already in place preventing the export of marching boots and medal polish to the effected northern territory. It is already being suggested that this ban may now be extended to include bayonets and pens. The impact of these restrictions, however, has been widely disputed by military experts who believe that the controls do not work, leaving the inhabitants of the area feeling “less smart than they should”.
Military fears of a renewed drill were heightened last month when a leaked message purportedly from top officials in the York administration was uncovered.
Full Transcript of Leaked memo:
The Grand old Duke of York
He had 10,000 men
He marched them up to the top of the hill
And he marched them down again
And when they were up they were up
And when they were down the were down
And when they were only halfway up?
They were neither up nor down
Goal!
The Grand old Duke of York
He had 10,000 men
He forgot to march them up the hill
Forgot to march them down again
And when they were up they were down
And when they were down the were down
And when they were only halfway up?
They’d still not moved a jot
Goal!
The Grand old Duke of York
He had 10,000 pens
He talked his way through military walks
Appealing over dinner most to friends
And with all their meat there were forks
And their wine was all bound by corks
And by the time he’d finished his talk
They’d finished all the pork
Goals!
A policy of containment followed by the Libertyville ruling party Screwloose has so far proved effective at preventing rising tensions on both sides. Whether this policy remains the most relevant is likely to be a topic of furious debate in the coming days and weeks.
Queen Announces New London Borough
A new London borough was sensationally announced in a special address by the Queen from her headquarters in Buckingham Palace yesterday.
Controversial plans to demolish existing eastern London locations such as Greenwich, Newham and, most distressingly of all for sports fans, much of Stratford are set to be announced in the coming days. It is understood that this is no mere rebranding exercise, and that whole areas are to be levelled to make way for this new borough. Local businesses and concerned residents are said to be up in arms about such a move, which would not need any Governmental approval because it has come directly from the Queen. Michael Daniels of Greenwich, east London, claimed such a move would “leave us up shit creek with very little paddle apparatus available”. The Conservative MP for the area, Ms Glenda Thompson, described the proposal as being “a fucking outrage…where the hell are all these people going to live?”
Artist’s impression: In the heart of East London
Experts predict that up to half a million people may be made homeless by the move, as bulldozers drive their former homes into the ground, in many cases with personal belongings still inside, some experts are suggesting. A spokesman for the Home Office also expressed deep concern for the proposed plans, indicating that there was little or nothing the Government could do to “stop this or accommodate its consequences”.
The story, uncovered yesterday by the Daily Mail, has led to increased tensions between those people who want to see more London Boroughs and those who want to see less. A spokesman for the Mail suggested that the move may be a prudent one as there is a shortage of “squalid, sorry cheap, housing” in the capital, something which the new borough would aim to address.
Sporting critics also point out that the move could prove potentially disastrous to London’s ability to host the forthcoming Olympic Games, due to come to the capital in 2012. The Queen suggested however that the new borough would be ready by 2009, leaving approximately 3 years to build “stadiums and what have you”.
Plans also exist to create a square in the centre of the new borough, set to be named after the Queen’s former husband Albert. Rumours also persist that the proposed “Albert Square” will house the yet-to-be-announced, but heavily rumoured, university and international airport, as well as a centrepiece public house, dubbed “the Queen Victoria”, after the Queen’s former squash partner of the same name.
Although currently undecided, it is understood that the new name for the borough would be decided by asking famous TV celebrities their opinion. It is understood that the current two front runners are “Weatherfield” and “Walford,” with a winner set to be announced next week.
500,000 Londoners wait with baited breath.
Factory jam causes profit warning at Spongegroup
Spongegroup plc yesterday issued a profit warning to the financial markets in London amid increasing concerns about the impact of last month’s factory jam. An emotional Cathy Clyde MBE, chief executive of Spongegroup, told the Floor that “…at this very sticky time for Spongegroup and in particular it’s SBUs (strategic business units) within the cake and soft biscuits industries [we are still feeling the effect of] last month’s factory jam.”
The overuse of jam-based ingredients caused much of the machinery used by Spongegroup to make cakes, biscuits and, ironically, fruit preserves to clam up and ultimately fail. This reduced total shipments of much loved products such as Dr Bizarre’s Oat Biscuit Nightmare Surprise and Janie Dodge Hers, with supermarket stores having to bring in armed security guards to quell the atmosphere of public hysteria displayed during the crisis.
Workers in the affected facility reported horrendous conditions immediately after the incident, with one man quoted as becoming “emblazoned with jam”. Shipments of popular Spongegroup products have been exported from factories in the Cook Islands, although conflicting reports have emerged which allege the products were “well past their sell by date” by the time they arrive in the UK.
Spongegroup spokeswoman Kelly McNab earlier this week issued a statement to ease consumer tensions, insisting that supplies would return to post-jam levels within “a week”. The incident is likely, however, to hit annual company revenues hard, with extra expenditure on so called “jam cleaners” also eating in to profits. The announcement is the latest in a long line of negative headlines the company has had to endure this year, following February’s revelation that many of the products produced contained, according to the packaging, “stones”. The company insisted at the time that stones would not harm any part of any typical nutritional diet and that, at just 0.8% of the total ingredients, there was “…less stones than bloody glycerol mono stearate…and that’s in just about everything nowadays!”
Shares in Spongegroup nosedived yesterday to a year low of 55p a share, but by lunchtime had rallied to a year high of £5,600.12.
Real RSPB Blamed For Terror Strikes at the Heart of Rural England
There was shock and disbelief in England yesterday after a spate of bird shootings was uncovered in various fields across the South West. Preliminary reports suggest that the counties of Devon and Cornwall were hit hardest, after footage obtained by BFOF yesterday showed widespread bird carcasses scattered across forests and National Trust reserves. Mortified bird lovers were pictured wondering about in the vicinity of targeted areas while the army was called in to clean up amid fears the dead birds could cause distress and, in the cat community, disease if left unattended.
Although police are stressing it is too early to estimate the extent of the damage caused, local resident Rosie Turner, summed up the current situation facing locals: “Nooooooooooooo!” she said, followed by loud sobbing. Observers on the scene report parts of bird carcass scattered across large areas of terrain, prompting some experts to speculate that large guns and, possibly, canons, were used in the atrocity.
No one has thus far come forward to claim responsibility for the attacks, though terrorist group the Real RSPB will be primary suspects. Yesterday’s attacks parallel that of the activity of the group, who claim to be “The Royal Society for the Prevention of Birds”. A splinter group from the charity of the same acronym, it is the aim of the Real RSPB to rid the countryside of all birds and “things that leave the ground but keep on going upwards”. The split is reported to have occurred after a heated general meeting of the trustees of the RSPB as members were discussing whether or not “clay pigeon shooting” was cruel or not, causing many activists to walk out of the meeting complaining that it “…is not [cruel to] shoot anyone or anything”.
Last month, the group accepted responsibility for the infamous owl massacre at Oldbridge Owl Sanctuary, which resulted in the death of over seven owls and left twenty five seriously injured.
The news of this latest shooting spree is likely to cause even more embarrassment to the Royal Family. Prince William, current chairman of the board of trustees from the RSPB, is strongly rumoured to be sympathetic to the cause of the Real RSPB, a claim persistently denied by Buckingham Palace. Rumours spread last month when tabloid newspapers published images of the Prince strangling an ostrich. This infuriated RSPB members, who called for his resignation due to the parallels drawn with the scandal and that of the logo of the Real RSPB, an ostrich with a dagger sticking out of its body.
A police spokesman was unavailable for comment as he had his mouth full of pork pie when questioned.